Last orders on social pressure - Why we really don't need a pint to belong

When did we collectively decide that holding an alcoholic drink was a requisite for being a social grownup?  Why do we still feel uncomfortable at times with the response "I am not drinking"? - and by "not drinking" we obviously mean "not drinking alcohol".  I feel it has something to do with "belonging" or lack of it: the attachments we have made between adult belonging and alcohol and the unbearable discomfort we feel when we don't.  So if you are newly struggling to navigate the Sober Experience then read on....

I want to reassure you that this feeling fades and soon you will feel like you belong again!

Enlightened by my daughter again

We were driving at night, Tilly* and I, as we often do now, to embrace the calm of quiet roads and darkness.  We have our best conversations that way.  How could I have missed this before? (see my blog post on sober awakenings).When I was drinking you would never find me behind the wheel post 7pm on a Friday night.  But now we do it often.  She feels calm on those drives.  

She asked me what belonging meant and I said,  "well it's when you feel attached to something or a feeling.  It doesn't have to be a thing. You can feel like you belong in your mind."  She liked my definition.

Humans need to belong

It's important as humans to belong - the need for connection provides support and security which can undeniably be a hugely positive influence on our mental health. 

But what happens when you are making unhealthy attachments to that feeling of belonging? By attaching "belonging" to the "drinking culture" so many of us no longer feel welcome in the places where we used to feel we belonged, with the people we thought we belonged to.

But why the change?

So here’s the problem. Alcohol becomes so ingrained in our person. Influenced by society and embedded into social norms, we feel we need to be consuming alcohol to belong to certain groups, to partake in certain activities.  It is a cultural phenomenon that is so powerful it can impact any designs we might have to stop drinking - that feeling of not belonging can subconsciously be used as a reason not to: "How can I possibly stop drinking when it will have such a huge impact on my life?"

There is more to belonging than what's in your glass

It's true, remove the alcohol and you start to see life in crystal clarity.  I talk about this clarity a lot in my book. It's possible you might not want to go out to the same social places, mix with some people that you have nothing in common with other than alcohol.  We have all made those alcohol fuelled connections over the years because alcohol removes inhibitions so everyone is your friend.  But that would be your choice. 

But if you choose to continue to go to pubs, clubs, parties please remember all that you have changed is what's in your glass.  Any feeling of not belonging is down to the fact that you aren't numbing your inhibitions, you aren't wearing a temporary body armour of drunkenness so you are experiencing life in full colour and this can feel uncomfortable at first.  But your confidence will grow.  What you are experiencing is change and we resist change initially.  I can promise you it's worth persisting.

Remove the alcohol goggles for long enough and you realise you belong just the same whatever you are drinking.  True connections aren't based upon your capacity to consume ten pints of beer in one sitting. Now to a more informed definition of Belonging from Brene Brown

Belonging is being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else. 

So belonging isn't even about fitting in. It's about being true to yourself. If you don't see your lack of alcohol consumption as a problem then it isn't. 

So don't be defined by what's in your glass

Yes there is still a stigma around not drinking in places but it is reducing.  It really is socially acceptable now to not drink, so find your sense of belonging in the connections you make with others, in the environment you are in and start to embrace the new you that doesn't want to drink.

* This post was inspired by Tilly, my 15 year old daughter whose super power is her rare chromosome disorder.  It enables her deep thinking, inquisitive and thought provoking musings as she views the world through a unique non judgemental lens.

No alcohol was consumed in the taking of this photo :)